Phenomenal

I am lucky to have phenomenal women in my life. I recognize that not everyone has friendships and sisterhood where people not only love and care for you but who will tell you the truth. I have women in my life who will listen to me, let me vent, let me cry, and let me have a moment. I am doubly blessed to not just have friends who support me but I have sorority sisters as well. I read a post about finding your tribe. I have not only found mine, but best of all, it is phenomenal.

I was brought up not to be in competition with anyone, especially other women. As such, I try my best to give good advice that is based on where the other person is versus what I think is best. When I see my friends succeed I get true joy from it. There have been many times where friends and sisters have thanked me for helping then and said that they have accomplished something because of me. I never let them give me credit for their accomplishments. Helping someone is not something I ever need to be thanked for or be given credit as if I had done the work. I have seen special people in my life get new jobs, graduate from college, be accepted to graduate school, find love, rekindle love, move, have kids, and so much more. I love to see them happy and succeeding.

I try to pass on to younger women the beauty of being good friends. I try to reinforce what a real friend is. It is not the person who tells you what you want to hear; a real friend will tell you the truth even if you do not want to hear it. As I write this I can think of a time where my friends or sisters have told me what I had done wrong or needed to do better. There is no stronger friendship than that which comes with truth and honesty. However there a lot of people who only like “yes” men and women. People who smile in their face with the “yes girl, you are so right,” and any other happy, positive feedback they can muster. But, how good is a friend if you can’t trust their word?

I was speaking with a friend a few weeks about another one of our friends who got a great job and moved away. She asked me if I was going to her wedding and we were talking about her great opportunity and how excited we were for all of the amazing changes in her life. She was telling me about another one of her friends. She went on to say that when there was a job opportunity locally her “friend” told her she did not think she was ready, and she discouraged her from applying. I was telling my friend that I did not understand that. I would never discourage anyone or tell them to play small. My friend shared my sentiments, she too could not understand discouraging her from going after the job opportunity. As women, we should hold each other back. If you truly feel your friend is not ready for a new opportunity, you should help them plan for their next step, not hold them back and think that is ok.

I used to work at a nonprofit after I graduated from undergrad. My first boss was a selfish woman who was abusing fund. When the board realized what was going on and she knew that they were getting ready to let her go she tried to get me to go with her. I was just out of undergrad and I could not afford to lose my job. I told her I could not leave. She treated me horribly after that, even yelled at me at the front desk on the day. I went to the bathroom and cried. I looked at myself in the mirror and I said I would never let another boss do that to me and that I would never treat anyone that way.

The boss that came after her did something worse. There was a position that I could have applied for with another organization. She did not want me to leave so she told me that I should not apply for it because I would not do a good job. Being young and impressionable I believe than an older Latina would not lead me astray. She made me doubt myself and my abilities which was far more damaging than being yelled at. That is why I am committed to helping other women. I do not want any woman that I know to be discouraged from pursuing something they want to do or try. I do not want any other woman to be made to feel like she should doubt herself, her intelligence, her abilities, her skills, her talents.

I am working very hard to raise my daughter to be the same way, to support and encourage her friends. I do not want anyone to do to her what was done to me. So far, even at seven, she has demonstrated her kindness, compassion, and leadership to her friends. She will be better prepared to take on women who bring down other women. 

The Power to Be

I love quotes and motivational sayings. I seek them to get motivation and to offer motivation. I was on Facebook a while back and someone posted about how people who post quotes and uplifting saying have a lower intellect (or something to that effect). I have a PhD so I don’t think I have a low intellect, but I like the quotes and sayings nonetheless J It does not mean that boiling a situation to a bite size morsel of wisdom makes thing easier but they can be helpful and inspirational.

My favorite quote is: “In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer” by Albert Camus. It reaffirms that no matter what you are facing, you have the power to succeed, or improve, or make it less bad. There are times when I get ready for work and the best that I can do with my close is get them less wrinkled. As such, sometimes all you can do in certain situations is make it less bad (it counts).

There are times when my flame is almost out, one slight wind can extinguish it. However, turning to uplifting words reminds me to keep moving forward and/or it helps me change my perception. I am also a believer that everything happens for a reason. So if I read a quote on Facebook or find a saying that speaks to me I stop to think, is this a message? Is God trying to tell me something, because it was not an accident that I read what I read at that particular time?

I love quotes and saying so much that I have also created my own jpgs. I found pictures that I felt went along with the messages and placed the quotes on them. Some I have even printed out and posted on my wall. I am a glass half full kind of person, which is likely why I like quotes so much. I used to write my favorites in notebooks. I have hundreds of them about love, life, leadership, family, friendship, you name it. I need to find those notebooks, I am at a place where I could use some reinforcement in the word department.

I watched a movie trailer today about Jesse Owens, four-time Olympic gold medalist. The trailer depicted his life and how he got to the 1936 Summer Olympics in Germany. I sat there in awe of his life and what he went through. It also made me think of my life and how it would likely be one of the most boring movies ever. I was hard pressed to think of movie worthy highlights that would draw people to the box office. It also made me think that I really need to step up my life game up for the next 40 or 50 years and go out with a bang. Maybe I can write that book I have been talking about and then people can quote me. They can use my words to draw motivation from and to once again fan their almost extinguished flame. Just maybe!

I Love Love

I was sitting at a Starbucks today doing some work. A couple sat down next to me and I could feel the love between them. She leaned in and touched his leg and his arm. She had her back to me so I could not see her face but I am sure she was smiling the entire time she spoke to him. He was very attentive and was looking into her eyes as he spoke to her. They were sharing funny stories, throwing their heads back as they laughed. It was amazing to see them, they were magic.

I am not sure how long they have been together. It did not seem like a new relationship but either way they were wonderful. I remember being like them. Watching them actually made me transport back in time. Those were amazing and happy days, I sure miss those days. For some of us, life gets in the way and those gazing in the eyes, touching and caressing every moment possible, the inside jokes, the easiness… it fades. It happens slowly, it can be hard to notice, then, before you know it things are different. Things feel differently but it is hard to pin point why. And because you don’t know why things have changed it is hard to know how to fix it and make things better again.

I think people can take for granted that love, like everything else in life, requires work. In kindergarten my daughter learned about her love bucket. When I made her sad or mad she would tell me I was empting her bucket. When I gave her hugs and kisses I filled her bucket. Adults fill and empty each other’s love buckets all the time. We stop holding hands and start sleeping with backs turned. We stop complementing and start pointing out flaws. Stop laughing with each other and start yelling at one another. We let love go and let the silly issues rot away at what once was strong and beautiful.

It is painful to remember what once was. It is even harder to accept that a love is lost because you did not put in the work that it needed. You have to water a flower to help it grow. A spinning wheel does not a base make. The ceramic is not going to mold itself, you have to work it, attention to detail and the right kind of touch will create the base. I look at marriages that have lasted 40, 50, 60 years and I wonder what their secret to love is. I pray for them and that they continue in their bliss and working through the hard times. Marriage is not always easy, but how we handle it determines the ultimate outcome.

I said a silent prayer for the couple I saw today. I hope they bring out that glow on each other for the rest of their lives. I hope that they feel that excitement to be together, that joy to share space and time, and that they will turn to each other no matter what life throws their way. I wish that for everyone, a love that stands the test of time. Epic love that romance novels are made of. Here is to love that grows and lasts!

Time Heals All

Time can move so slowly at times and others it simply flies by. In the blink of my, I am 41 years old. My gray hair is out of control, I’m even starting to get them in my eyebrows and arm hair. That is how you know that you are legit old when your body hair grays. J I remember thinking when was in my early 20s that 40 seemed so old and look at me now. I am the old lady and I have the body pains to prove it. It is strange to recognize that I am in the second half of my life. I am certainly trying to make it memorable but I can’t help but to feel this looming sense of the end. My mortality is more real with each passing day. I envy people who live life to the fullest and who are not afraid to die. I wish I was more like them.

I look at my daughter and I am reminded of just how fast time goes by. It seems like yesterday she was a baby and now she is seven going on eight. She has a big personality, she is funny, kind, and has more energy than I can muster. She is truly amazing and a gift. I love looking at her beautiful face and notice the things that have changed and what has stayed the same. I find myself looking at young women in their late teens and early 20s who resemble her and I wonder what my cutie will look like. I am sure they think I am a creepy when they see me staring, but I am just thinking about my baby and what she may look like in a few years.

Time goes by slowly when you have something you really want to do. If you are going on vacation, if a friend is coming for a visit, or if you made a spa appointment. There are many things that make the minutes drag on. Time is also slow when you are ready for a change. When you want to move, looking for a new job, trying to lose weight, you might as well be a turtle. This is where I am at now, in the slow to change part. I have been thinking about my career and next steps but everything is progressing 5 miles per hour. I see more in my head. I think I can do more, I feel that I am ready for more today, not tomorrow, right now.

I searched a lot in 2015 with little luck. I did have some successes that I am very grateful for but I want more, a significant next step. I am making the most of this year, starting in January and I pray that it will pay off. I am hoping my time starts moving a little faster with some exciting changes. I used to carry a quote on my wallet, “a year from now you’ll wish you would have started today” by Karen Lamb. I have lived this truth many times. I am going to push myself to start today and keep pushing through so that I am not disappointed a year from now. I want to proactive and keep working towards my goals no matter how slow the process feels. There is greatness ahead, I just have to stay the course. 

Going in Circles

Friends of Distinction sang a song called, "Going in Circles." It says: “you got me going in circles, oh, oh, oh, oh round and round I go, I'm spun out over you.” Some days that is how I feel. I’m spun out over myself. I have my mind going in circles and a mile a minute all the time. I am not looking to stop the spinning but at least, slow it down. I often think about what people would think if they lived in my head? The stories I spin, construct, and manufacture. I can hardly deal with myself sometimes. My issues is that I can’t just live my life one day at a time. I have to be one step ahead, have to plan, rehearse conversations and possible outcomes. I am sure this must be the sign of a mad person.

I have tried to stop myself but I have not succeeded. My over active imagination continues to take over 98% of the time. Things were not too bad when the plays in my mind were happy and looking forward to great times. Now that the times are not so good I live in a theater of pain. When I say pain I mean real pain, heart hurting, tears, anxiety, and all the comes with these emotions. Why must life be so complicated? I thought once I got to a certain age it would be all downhill, smooth sailing. I thought life would be gravy. Life should not be this hard at 40! Right? I am trying not to look at the Joneses and hope for their lives. I am trying to be realistic with what is happening in my life today. I just know that this is not where I pictured myself in my 40s, far from it.

I try to give advice to other people, especially if they are younger than me. I do not want them to make the same mistakes I have. I wish that I could stop people from going down the wrong road. Sometimes I am anxious when I see people headed down the wrong path. I am overly emotional and I take on other people’s issues. I know we all have to have experiences in order to learn and grow, my mind gets that part. However, my heart wonders why could we just learn from reading a book or Iyanla Vanzant quotes. I guess that is why the self-help industry is a billion dollar industry. We are all looking for the shortest road to get through painful situations and the Cliff Notes to growth. I hate being in this place, this painful place of unknown. I am not sure where my joyful little Darilis has gone, but I miss her.

Knowing where I am at helps, but it does not make it easier. I need to slow down my mind which is the hard part. I need to stop crafting stories and productions and take my life one day at a time. I need to evaluate what is happening and make a decision in facts. I am ready for joyfulness again. I think that decisions based in reality, not in imagining what could happen, is where I need to head towards. I do not have to choreograph my words, just be in the moment and have a genuine reaction to what happens on that given day. No more going in circles, only straight lines (A to B). We will see what tomorrow brings and if I can reduce the spin. 

Be Fearless but I am Still Fearful

God bless motivational quotes. There is so much talk about being fearless and it sounds so simple like I could do it. However, as much as I try to be I am still fearful. I am very afraid of the unknown and I hate not feeling in control when my future/destiny is in someone else’s hands. You would think I would have a better approach or coping mechanism by now because life is a big question mark. Sure you can plan some things. Yes, you achieve some of what you set out to do but not everything will come to pass. For some of us, just when you think you are as happy as you can be, life as close to perfect as possible, the curve ball hits and it hurts.

I do not know the secret to a fearless life. At this point and time in my life I am just pushing myself past the fear to keep going. I am no where near fearless but more like do things in spite of it. I try to catch myself when I tell my daughter to stop doing something and “be careful.” I feel like I am taking away her fearlessness bit by bit. It is such a tight rope to walk in between being a parent that does not let their child get hurt and a parent that lets a child explore. Raising a little human is a lot of preasure because the stakes are very high.

Fear takes over your heart in a way beyond anything that you have ever known once you have a child. I live in a constant state of fear. I think about my daughter’s future all the time. I pray for her now and as an adult. I want what is best for her and to give her the world. There are so many days that I doubt myself and I feel like I am failing her. I hate it when she is sad or upset, especially the times that I am the cause. It breaks my heart to see her cry or when she is not feeling well. I would take every bit of pain for her if I could, but I know I can’t.

It may be strange to say but I am afraid to not be fearful. I do not know what letting go will really feel like. Maybe I am past that age where I can be fear free. I am not sure what I can do to change or stop myself for living in fear. Typing this right now my stomach is tight and I want to cry. Sadly, writing this blog is not making me feel better and it’s not brining me any peace or clarity. I guess all I can do is try. At church today the pastor said that every day we wake up we have a new opportunity to be saved again (re-baptized), a new day to try to be do better and be better. That will be the same for my effort to be fearless. I failed today but I will try again tomorrow. That is the best that I can do and hope for at this time.

Positivity All Day, Every Day

I have always been a very positive person. I see the glass half full filled with a chocolate shake topped with whip cream. I am not sure why I am so positive or when it started but I have been this way as far back as I can remember. Even in my hardest, more difficult times, I go back to what I know, positivity and faithfulness.

As of late, I have not been as positive as I have been in the past. I have days where I feel good but many others have been down and sad. I think the difference from other times is that there have been more consecutive days that I have been down. The past two years have been tougher emotionally than usual. I always say it is easier to be fiscally tired than emotionally tired. But it is a new year and I am ready to get back to me and my happy, positive self. It has been two years too long of being down and sad. I have always been positive and I am not going to change, or allow circumstances or people to change, me and who I am at my core.

One way I am looking to improve my positivity is by going out more and being around good people. I have been on the reclusive side these past couple of years and it has taken a lot to go out the few times I have. I am an extrovert and I feed from others and their energy. I realize that friends and hanging out have been missing from my life. The first step towards change started today when I went out to breakfast with some friends and started making plans to go dancing next weekend. This is the start I needed to my year because I am beyond ready to have fun. Last year I had moments when I tried to think of a time when I laughed from the belly with pure joy and I was truly hard pressed to think of when that was. This will be rectified in 2016.

Life is beautiful and there is joy in the darkest of times. We just have to be willing to look for it. I am going to work on looking for beauty, joy, goodness, passion, drive, opportunity, and everything positive that I can possibly find each and every day. I see it in my daughter who laughs from her soul. Her smile, her eyes, the way she throws her head back, it is all beautiful. I want to preserve that joy in her for as long as possible. I bought her rainbow ribbons and we danced around the living room last week. It was simple, silly fun and I look forward to more of that. When I tell her stories, or when we are driving and we are talking about things going around us I try to be as animated as possible so that she will laugh and enjoy herself. We have a good time the majority of the time because I am purposeful when it comes to bringing her joy. I can’t protect her from everything but I am trying to build her up in confidence and in positivity so that she can be as prepared as possible for the world out there. I am blessed to see another year, but, even more, blessed to have a do-over and go back to my positive root. I do not plan to squander my opportunity.