Phenomenal

I am lucky to have phenomenal women in my life. I recognize that not everyone has friendships and sisterhood where people not only love and care for you but who will tell you the truth. I have women in my life who will listen to me, let me vent, let me cry, and let me have a moment. I am doubly blessed to not just have friends who support me but I have sorority sisters as well. I read a post about finding your tribe. I have not only found mine, but best of all, it is phenomenal.

I was brought up not to be in competition with anyone, especially other women. As such, I try my best to give good advice that is based on where the other person is versus what I think is best. When I see my friends succeed I get true joy from it. There have been many times where friends and sisters have thanked me for helping then and said that they have accomplished something because of me. I never let them give me credit for their accomplishments. Helping someone is not something I ever need to be thanked for or be given credit as if I had done the work. I have seen special people in my life get new jobs, graduate from college, be accepted to graduate school, find love, rekindle love, move, have kids, and so much more. I love to see them happy and succeeding.

I try to pass on to younger women the beauty of being good friends. I try to reinforce what a real friend is. It is not the person who tells you what you want to hear; a real friend will tell you the truth even if you do not want to hear it. As I write this I can think of a time where my friends or sisters have told me what I had done wrong or needed to do better. There is no stronger friendship than that which comes with truth and honesty. However there a lot of people who only like “yes” men and women. People who smile in their face with the “yes girl, you are so right,” and any other happy, positive feedback they can muster. But, how good is a friend if you can’t trust their word?

I was speaking with a friend a few weeks about another one of our friends who got a great job and moved away. She asked me if I was going to her wedding and we were talking about her great opportunity and how excited we were for all of the amazing changes in her life. She was telling me about another one of her friends. She went on to say that when there was a job opportunity locally her “friend” told her she did not think she was ready, and she discouraged her from applying. I was telling my friend that I did not understand that. I would never discourage anyone or tell them to play small. My friend shared my sentiments, she too could not understand discouraging her from going after the job opportunity. As women, we should hold each other back. If you truly feel your friend is not ready for a new opportunity, you should help them plan for their next step, not hold them back and think that is ok.

I used to work at a nonprofit after I graduated from undergrad. My first boss was a selfish woman who was abusing fund. When the board realized what was going on and she knew that they were getting ready to let her go she tried to get me to go with her. I was just out of undergrad and I could not afford to lose my job. I told her I could not leave. She treated me horribly after that, even yelled at me at the front desk on the day. I went to the bathroom and cried. I looked at myself in the mirror and I said I would never let another boss do that to me and that I would never treat anyone that way.

The boss that came after her did something worse. There was a position that I could have applied for with another organization. She did not want me to leave so she told me that I should not apply for it because I would not do a good job. Being young and impressionable I believe than an older Latina would not lead me astray. She made me doubt myself and my abilities which was far more damaging than being yelled at. That is why I am committed to helping other women. I do not want any woman that I know to be discouraged from pursuing something they want to do or try. I do not want any other woman to be made to feel like she should doubt herself, her intelligence, her abilities, her skills, her talents.

I am working very hard to raise my daughter to be the same way, to support and encourage her friends. I do not want anyone to do to her what was done to me. So far, even at seven, she has demonstrated her kindness, compassion, and leadership to her friends. She will be better prepared to take on women who bring down other women. 

The Power to Be

I love quotes and motivational sayings. I seek them to get motivation and to offer motivation. I was on Facebook a while back and someone posted about how people who post quotes and uplifting saying have a lower intellect (or something to that effect). I have a PhD so I don’t think I have a low intellect, but I like the quotes and sayings nonetheless J It does not mean that boiling a situation to a bite size morsel of wisdom makes thing easier but they can be helpful and inspirational.

My favorite quote is: “In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer” by Albert Camus. It reaffirms that no matter what you are facing, you have the power to succeed, or improve, or make it less bad. There are times when I get ready for work and the best that I can do with my close is get them less wrinkled. As such, sometimes all you can do in certain situations is make it less bad (it counts).

There are times when my flame is almost out, one slight wind can extinguish it. However, turning to uplifting words reminds me to keep moving forward and/or it helps me change my perception. I am also a believer that everything happens for a reason. So if I read a quote on Facebook or find a saying that speaks to me I stop to think, is this a message? Is God trying to tell me something, because it was not an accident that I read what I read at that particular time?

I love quotes and saying so much that I have also created my own jpgs. I found pictures that I felt went along with the messages and placed the quotes on them. Some I have even printed out and posted on my wall. I am a glass half full kind of person, which is likely why I like quotes so much. I used to write my favorites in notebooks. I have hundreds of them about love, life, leadership, family, friendship, you name it. I need to find those notebooks, I am at a place where I could use some reinforcement in the word department.

I watched a movie trailer today about Jesse Owens, four-time Olympic gold medalist. The trailer depicted his life and how he got to the 1936 Summer Olympics in Germany. I sat there in awe of his life and what he went through. It also made me think of my life and how it would likely be one of the most boring movies ever. I was hard pressed to think of movie worthy highlights that would draw people to the box office. It also made me think that I really need to step up my life game up for the next 40 or 50 years and go out with a bang. Maybe I can write that book I have been talking about and then people can quote me. They can use my words to draw motivation from and to once again fan their almost extinguished flame. Just maybe!

I Love Love

I was sitting at a Starbucks today doing some work. A couple sat down next to me and I could feel the love between them. She leaned in and touched his leg and his arm. She had her back to me so I could not see her face but I am sure she was smiling the entire time she spoke to him. He was very attentive and was looking into her eyes as he spoke to her. They were sharing funny stories, throwing their heads back as they laughed. It was amazing to see them, they were magic.

I am not sure how long they have been together. It did not seem like a new relationship but either way they were wonderful. I remember being like them. Watching them actually made me transport back in time. Those were amazing and happy days, I sure miss those days. For some of us, life gets in the way and those gazing in the eyes, touching and caressing every moment possible, the inside jokes, the easiness… it fades. It happens slowly, it can be hard to notice, then, before you know it things are different. Things feel differently but it is hard to pin point why. And because you don’t know why things have changed it is hard to know how to fix it and make things better again.

I think people can take for granted that love, like everything else in life, requires work. In kindergarten my daughter learned about her love bucket. When I made her sad or mad she would tell me I was empting her bucket. When I gave her hugs and kisses I filled her bucket. Adults fill and empty each other’s love buckets all the time. We stop holding hands and start sleeping with backs turned. We stop complementing and start pointing out flaws. Stop laughing with each other and start yelling at one another. We let love go and let the silly issues rot away at what once was strong and beautiful.

It is painful to remember what once was. It is even harder to accept that a love is lost because you did not put in the work that it needed. You have to water a flower to help it grow. A spinning wheel does not a base make. The ceramic is not going to mold itself, you have to work it, attention to detail and the right kind of touch will create the base. I look at marriages that have lasted 40, 50, 60 years and I wonder what their secret to love is. I pray for them and that they continue in their bliss and working through the hard times. Marriage is not always easy, but how we handle it determines the ultimate outcome.

I said a silent prayer for the couple I saw today. I hope they bring out that glow on each other for the rest of their lives. I hope that they feel that excitement to be together, that joy to share space and time, and that they will turn to each other no matter what life throws their way. I wish that for everyone, a love that stands the test of time. Epic love that romance novels are made of. Here is to love that grows and lasts!

Time Heals All

Time can move so slowly at times and others it simply flies by. In the blink of my, I am 41 years old. My gray hair is out of control, I’m even starting to get them in my eyebrows and arm hair. That is how you know that you are legit old when your body hair grays. J I remember thinking when was in my early 20s that 40 seemed so old and look at me now. I am the old lady and I have the body pains to prove it. It is strange to recognize that I am in the second half of my life. I am certainly trying to make it memorable but I can’t help but to feel this looming sense of the end. My mortality is more real with each passing day. I envy people who live life to the fullest and who are not afraid to die. I wish I was more like them.

I look at my daughter and I am reminded of just how fast time goes by. It seems like yesterday she was a baby and now she is seven going on eight. She has a big personality, she is funny, kind, and has more energy than I can muster. She is truly amazing and a gift. I love looking at her beautiful face and notice the things that have changed and what has stayed the same. I find myself looking at young women in their late teens and early 20s who resemble her and I wonder what my cutie will look like. I am sure they think I am a creepy when they see me staring, but I am just thinking about my baby and what she may look like in a few years.

Time goes by slowly when you have something you really want to do. If you are going on vacation, if a friend is coming for a visit, or if you made a spa appointment. There are many things that make the minutes drag on. Time is also slow when you are ready for a change. When you want to move, looking for a new job, trying to lose weight, you might as well be a turtle. This is where I am at now, in the slow to change part. I have been thinking about my career and next steps but everything is progressing 5 miles per hour. I see more in my head. I think I can do more, I feel that I am ready for more today, not tomorrow, right now.

I searched a lot in 2015 with little luck. I did have some successes that I am very grateful for but I want more, a significant next step. I am making the most of this year, starting in January and I pray that it will pay off. I am hoping my time starts moving a little faster with some exciting changes. I used to carry a quote on my wallet, “a year from now you’ll wish you would have started today” by Karen Lamb. I have lived this truth many times. I am going to push myself to start today and keep pushing through so that I am not disappointed a year from now. I want to proactive and keep working towards my goals no matter how slow the process feels. There is greatness ahead, I just have to stay the course. 

Going in Circles

Friends of Distinction sang a song called, "Going in Circles." It says: “you got me going in circles, oh, oh, oh, oh round and round I go, I'm spun out over you.” Some days that is how I feel. I’m spun out over myself. I have my mind going in circles and a mile a minute all the time. I am not looking to stop the spinning but at least, slow it down. I often think about what people would think if they lived in my head? The stories I spin, construct, and manufacture. I can hardly deal with myself sometimes. My issues is that I can’t just live my life one day at a time. I have to be one step ahead, have to plan, rehearse conversations and possible outcomes. I am sure this must be the sign of a mad person.

I have tried to stop myself but I have not succeeded. My over active imagination continues to take over 98% of the time. Things were not too bad when the plays in my mind were happy and looking forward to great times. Now that the times are not so good I live in a theater of pain. When I say pain I mean real pain, heart hurting, tears, anxiety, and all the comes with these emotions. Why must life be so complicated? I thought once I got to a certain age it would be all downhill, smooth sailing. I thought life would be gravy. Life should not be this hard at 40! Right? I am trying not to look at the Joneses and hope for their lives. I am trying to be realistic with what is happening in my life today. I just know that this is not where I pictured myself in my 40s, far from it.

I try to give advice to other people, especially if they are younger than me. I do not want them to make the same mistakes I have. I wish that I could stop people from going down the wrong road. Sometimes I am anxious when I see people headed down the wrong path. I am overly emotional and I take on other people’s issues. I know we all have to have experiences in order to learn and grow, my mind gets that part. However, my heart wonders why could we just learn from reading a book or Iyanla Vanzant quotes. I guess that is why the self-help industry is a billion dollar industry. We are all looking for the shortest road to get through painful situations and the Cliff Notes to growth. I hate being in this place, this painful place of unknown. I am not sure where my joyful little Darilis has gone, but I miss her.

Knowing where I am at helps, but it does not make it easier. I need to slow down my mind which is the hard part. I need to stop crafting stories and productions and take my life one day at a time. I need to evaluate what is happening and make a decision in facts. I am ready for joyfulness again. I think that decisions based in reality, not in imagining what could happen, is where I need to head towards. I do not have to choreograph my words, just be in the moment and have a genuine reaction to what happens on that given day. No more going in circles, only straight lines (A to B). We will see what tomorrow brings and if I can reduce the spin. 

Be Fearless but I am Still Fearful

God bless motivational quotes. There is so much talk about being fearless and it sounds so simple like I could do it. However, as much as I try to be I am still fearful. I am very afraid of the unknown and I hate not feeling in control when my future/destiny is in someone else’s hands. You would think I would have a better approach or coping mechanism by now because life is a big question mark. Sure you can plan some things. Yes, you achieve some of what you set out to do but not everything will come to pass. For some of us, just when you think you are as happy as you can be, life as close to perfect as possible, the curve ball hits and it hurts.

I do not know the secret to a fearless life. At this point and time in my life I am just pushing myself past the fear to keep going. I am no where near fearless but more like do things in spite of it. I try to catch myself when I tell my daughter to stop doing something and “be careful.” I feel like I am taking away her fearlessness bit by bit. It is such a tight rope to walk in between being a parent that does not let their child get hurt and a parent that lets a child explore. Raising a little human is a lot of preasure because the stakes are very high.

Fear takes over your heart in a way beyond anything that you have ever known once you have a child. I live in a constant state of fear. I think about my daughter’s future all the time. I pray for her now and as an adult. I want what is best for her and to give her the world. There are so many days that I doubt myself and I feel like I am failing her. I hate it when she is sad or upset, especially the times that I am the cause. It breaks my heart to see her cry or when she is not feeling well. I would take every bit of pain for her if I could, but I know I can’t.

It may be strange to say but I am afraid to not be fearful. I do not know what letting go will really feel like. Maybe I am past that age where I can be fear free. I am not sure what I can do to change or stop myself for living in fear. Typing this right now my stomach is tight and I want to cry. Sadly, writing this blog is not making me feel better and it’s not brining me any peace or clarity. I guess all I can do is try. At church today the pastor said that every day we wake up we have a new opportunity to be saved again (re-baptized), a new day to try to be do better and be better. That will be the same for my effort to be fearless. I failed today but I will try again tomorrow. That is the best that I can do and hope for at this time.

Positivity All Day, Every Day

I have always been a very positive person. I see the glass half full filled with a chocolate shake topped with whip cream. I am not sure why I am so positive or when it started but I have been this way as far back as I can remember. Even in my hardest, more difficult times, I go back to what I know, positivity and faithfulness.

As of late, I have not been as positive as I have been in the past. I have days where I feel good but many others have been down and sad. I think the difference from other times is that there have been more consecutive days that I have been down. The past two years have been tougher emotionally than usual. I always say it is easier to be fiscally tired than emotionally tired. But it is a new year and I am ready to get back to me and my happy, positive self. It has been two years too long of being down and sad. I have always been positive and I am not going to change, or allow circumstances or people to change, me and who I am at my core.

One way I am looking to improve my positivity is by going out more and being around good people. I have been on the reclusive side these past couple of years and it has taken a lot to go out the few times I have. I am an extrovert and I feed from others and their energy. I realize that friends and hanging out have been missing from my life. The first step towards change started today when I went out to breakfast with some friends and started making plans to go dancing next weekend. This is the start I needed to my year because I am beyond ready to have fun. Last year I had moments when I tried to think of a time when I laughed from the belly with pure joy and I was truly hard pressed to think of when that was. This will be rectified in 2016.

Life is beautiful and there is joy in the darkest of times. We just have to be willing to look for it. I am going to work on looking for beauty, joy, goodness, passion, drive, opportunity, and everything positive that I can possibly find each and every day. I see it in my daughter who laughs from her soul. Her smile, her eyes, the way she throws her head back, it is all beautiful. I want to preserve that joy in her for as long as possible. I bought her rainbow ribbons and we danced around the living room last week. It was simple, silly fun and I look forward to more of that. When I tell her stories, or when we are driving and we are talking about things going around us I try to be as animated as possible so that she will laugh and enjoy herself. We have a good time the majority of the time because I am purposeful when it comes to bringing her joy. I can’t protect her from everything but I am trying to build her up in confidence and in positivity so that she can be as prepared as possible for the world out there. I am blessed to see another year, but, even more, blessed to have a do-over and go back to my positive root. I do not plan to squander my opportunity. 

This Book is Not Going to Write Itself

I have always wanted to write a book. I believe I first thought about it when I was around 24. That was my first time doing a presentation at a conference. This particular conference was geared towards Latinas and my presentation was titled Self-Esteem as a Key to Success. Personally, I had fought a battle with self-esteem and I decided to create this presentation because I wanted to help other women who may find themselves in a similar position. I recall after the presentation was over a young woman, maybe 19 years old, came up to me and said, “I think I have low self-esteem” and she started crying. I spoke to her for a few minutes and tried to give her advice. Throughout the years, I think about that young woman and I hope she finds herself in a better place today. This is one of the experiences that made me want to do more and it made me think about writing a book.

I never wrote the book on self-esteem or any other for that matter. I recall my sorority sister giving me journals and books on writing for my 30^th birthday. She wanted to support me but I was not committed. I did not know where to start in the process of writing, how to organize my book, what did I really want to say, etc. Currently, I have a folder on my computer title writing. I have a few book ideas and a short story I just completed in October that I had been working on for over a year. I have written quite a few opinion pieces mainly for people that I know, but not a wider public. The opinion writing is very short and very targeted so other than the intended audience I have not done much with them.

I struggle between writing something with more substance like a self-help book or writing non-fiction. I like storytelling but I am not as good as I thought. I felt my short story was very simple and it lacked depth and the complexity necessary to be a good short story. There are certainly some high moments in the story but I need to continue to work on it. Ultimately, I want to be seen as a serious academic type but I also love romance novels. I do not see room for doing both so I have to choose a lane and I am not very good at that.  

I have done a few writing challenges, that is what I am doing this month and the reason why I started this blog. It has been a bit of a challenge writing at least 500 words at day. The first few days it felt easy, however, the last couple of days have been harder, and definitely a stretch. To be honest, I am not sure how writing 500 words a day on whatever topic comes to mind is supposed to help me with the overall writing process. I can’t say that I have experienced an aha moment thought these exercise. I have enjoyed writing some of the blogs and I felt that they were well written (for my style of communication at least). But, the opinion pieces are not enough. I need to make time to revisit the notes that I have and book ideas in order to see what I could work on and perhaps focus on short stories for right now before jumping into writing a book.

I Hate Running (Sorry, Not Sorry)

It has to be said, running is the most stupid exercise form ever invented. I hate everything about it, the sweat, the smell, the pain, EVERYTHING. I have mentioned previously that I am a procrastinator and this affects every part of my life, must definitely exercising. I tend to do a little better with a task hence why I decided to train for a 5k over 4 years ago. The run was horrible because the Florida humidity was nothing nice! I walked more than I ran. Once the race was over I was done running and training. Since hindsight is always 20/20, I see not that I should have kept it up.

Three years ago I wanted to get back in the gym and get healthier because I was about to hit the big 4 0. Well, the big 4 0 hit me. I really did not change much, I went to the gym sporadically and did not commit. Now here I am at 41 (42 in February) and I am still trying to get it together. This summer I trained for a 5k. The training went well, I completed it but the day of the race I did not run it all the way. It was a color vibe race and there were a lot of people so I opted to walk more than run. I feel like I did not accomplish my goal after all that training. So… what is my solution to not running the 5k? I have the bright idea to run a 10k. That is how my mind works, ridiculously!

I hated every second of my run today. I felt like I was hardly lifting my legs and my batatas (calfs) were on fiiiyaaa (fire). There were many times that I wanted to stop running and start walking but I did not give up. I was talking to myself most of the time, telling myself not to give, not to stop, to not let myself down. I hung in there and finished. I gave glory to God for the finish but I did not feel as accomplished as other days. The interesting part was that I felt ready to run prior to doing it. am not sure why today was harder than Tuesday and I’m hoping for the best on Saturday. I am up to 28 minutes and Saturday I will do 30. So apparently according to my training app I can run a 5k but I can’t do a 5k in 30 minutes since I am super slow. J Speaking of my app, I love the Zen Labs 10k training app. I also used it for my 5k. I highly recommend it!

What I am recognizing after my two 5k races and now training for a 10k is that the physical training is just one part of it, for which my app is great. However, you also have to train your mind, to keep pushing and not to give up. As far as I know Zen Labs has not created an app for that. J So I guess I have to handle this one. In my previous two races, I gave myself the permission to walk if I felt like it. I really did not push myself as I should have. I am not going to do that this time! I don’t care if I am the last one to cross the line, I will run the entire race. I owe it to myself. If I am training this hard I can’t throw it away the day of the race. Big sigh.. here is to 6 more weeks of training and 7 weeks to race day. 

Dissertation to Article

I successfully defended my dissertation almost two years ago. I knew that I wanted to turn my dissertation into a journal article but, after being done with what took over a year to write (not counting the course work), I did not find the motivation. The longer I take the more work I will have to do because the articles I used will get too old. I told myself that I would convert it at the start of 2015 and I even found articles on how to turn a dissertation into an article. When that did not happen I said that I would do it in December, clearly that also did not happen given the title of this post. J

Certainly the thought of cutting my 107-page dissertation to 10 pages is overwhelming. In part, this is the reason why it has taken me this long. I have read the articles that are supposed to help guide me and I still do not know where to start. However, I do not want to keep putting it off hence I find myself in the proverbial crossroads. The whole journey of a thousand miles bit. I had my dissertation bound however, I had not opened it until today and it felt surreal. After all, that work, all the frustration, the tears, it is a book collecting dust in my room. I literally had to wipe it just now when I opened it. That is a concrete sign that I have let it sit too long.

The title of my dissertation is Latino Student Perceptions of College Experiences at Historically Black Colleges and Universities (HBCUs). There has not been a lot of research on Latinos at HBCUs. I myself did my Ph.D. program at an HBCU hence, the topic was of interest to me. Also, I knew that if I was going to have to do research in order to publish a dissertation I wanted it to be something that made a difference in the academy. I really enjoyed the research process and talking with Latinos at different HBCUs. Ultimately I would like to write a book on Latino student experiences comparing and contrasting among Hispanic-serving institutions (HIS), predominantly White institutions (PWIs), and HBCUs.  However, if I can’t manage to convert my dissertation into an article I am certainly not going to complete a book. I need to change my mindset and start this process.

I am the worst procrastinator. It is a miracle that I completed my program in 3 and a half years (God is good!). In my mind after graduation, I would become this expert on Latinos at HBCUs except for the fact that I have been lazy. Lazy to  start on this journal article in order to get some notoriety in the field. I need someone to shake some sense into me expect this time I have to push myself. No one else has a stake on this except for me. Therefore, I need to invest in myself and do something that matters to me. Completing the dissertation was not easy. There was more than one bump along the way. In spite of the hiccups, I thought when I graduated and walked across the stage it would be the most amazing day in my life but it wasn’t. Regardless of what it was or it wasn’t the deed is done and I want to be sure I do something more with my degree hence publishing is in order. The only thing I am missing in my vita is publishing. The time has come and there is no more time to waste!

Training - Help Me Baby Jesus

My birthday is coming up in February and I decided that I am going to run a 10k. The issue is that I trained for a 5K back in August 2015 and I did not do anything else after that. I started training again at the end of 2015 and it has been a slow go not to mention that I took last week off which did not help. Today was brutal, my body hurts. I am over it all ready. I keep telling myself that I will feel so accomplished at the end of the race on February 27^th. However, that does not stop my body from hating me.

I do not like running on a treadmill which means I have to hit the rainy, cold mean streets of Oregon. J Now that the rain and cold is upon me I had to get used to running outside in these conditions. I had to get new gym shoes because I needed something that was water resistant. Now that is getting darker earlier I had to make sure I had reflective gear so that cars are able to see me. So far it has been pretty good. There was one run where I was getting rained on pretty bad and I ran right into a puddle so my feet got soaking wet. It was a good run in spite of the rain and soggy socks.

The problem that I am facing now is that after taking last week off I am really out of it. I really feel it on my knees today which had not been the case previously. I have to stay motivated. My training will be completed right up the date of the race so I do not have time to get sick or be off anymore. I am praying it will all work out. At the end of the day the run does not have to be pretty it just has to be done. Right now I am running for 28 minutes and I can’t even imagine what it will be like to run for an hour and a half. I hate running! But, it is good for me. I do like the feeling of being done. I hope my inner runner takes over and fills my heart with love for running. She has not kicked in yet!

Because I am a gluten for punishment I also signed up for a 2016 challenge to walk/run 1,000 miles this year. I did the math and I have to do at least 3 miles a day. However, because I was being lazy this past week there were a couple of days that I did not make it to 2 miles. I have got to step my run/walk game up. The good thing is that I ran today I have over six miles between my running and walking.

I have been searching for things to do that are just for me. Why did I pick running I do not know? I think I should have taken a ceramic class instead. J I do need to improve my health so I hope that as I get more comfortable and used to running it can be something that I can do long term. My next step is to address my eating habits. I think that exercising regularly and eating right is the perfect combination, I just need to get there. Here is to a healthy 2016!

Gratitude

I defended my dissertation on March 24, 2014 at Hampton University. When I got to Virginia I needed something that I could touch and feel to help me relax. I went to Target and found a bracelet with a cross. I felt I needed Jesus on my side. I had worked hard for three and half years taking classes and writing my dissertation and I needed to pass my defense. I wore my bracelet as I began my defense at 9am on that quiet Friday morning. My nerves were on overdrive when I started but once I settled into my presentation it was smooth sailing. About an hour later I was Dr. Garcia-McMillian (well, sort of since my degree would not be conferred until May). I felt deep gratitude at that moment to God and to everyone who helped make my dream come true. In the dedication and acknowledgement sections of my dissertation I gave thanks to those who help me throughout the process and some of them I said thank you in person, via phone, or social media. I have tried to be grateful and express my gratitude throughout my life. However, I have certainly have been better at certain times than others.

Today I read an article in The New York Times by Barbara Ehrenreich titled The Selfish Side of Gratitude. The title was intriguing so I dove right into it. The opinion piece highlighted the transition of self-help from “making your visions into reality” to “how gratitude can improve your life, even your health.” The piece points out that this gratitude that is being panhandled is a conversation about yourself with yourself. You can experience gratefulness without having to talk to anyone. Barbara urges that we should do more than say grace for a wonderful meal and rather demonstrate our gratitude by tipping the server and/or supporting the people who picked the food and delivered it to the restaurant by demanding higher wages for them.

I have to admit that I have not thought about my gratitude beyond how I feel, certainly I have not thought about what else I could do. This piece has me thinking about what gratitude will look like for me moving forward. I am still going to pray and give thanks, that is not changing. However, I need to think about what else I can do. How can I be more aware about others, their needs, as well as my power and ability to demonstrate my thanks to them.

One thing I know I would do is to help others financially if I am ever in a place to have enough money. I have been praying that I win the lottery for a longtime. I have my list of people and organizations, as well as my church who I will help financially. However, even though I have been playing and praying I still have not hit it big. That tells me that I definitely need to have a backup plan for expressing my gratitude as often and to as many people as possible. I am still going to play the lotto because I believe in God’s favor and that he knows what is in my heart for the money I will win and how I will help others. But in the meantime, I need to spend time with my gratitude practice and take it to the next level. 

Expectation Free in 2016

Baby it is cold outside! J We don’t get a lot of snow in the Portland metro area but when it comes it makes its presence felt. I saw a frozen fountain and as frigid as it was to me it also looked beautiful. However, as much as I found it beautiful I am sure that others did not. It reminds me of a quote that I saw recently. 

We all interprets things and people differently.However, we do not always know the full story. We can label some as frigid, standoffish, angry, or rude but not truly know where that persona stems from. We are all human and it can be hard to open one’s self if we perceive that someone is not going to be open towards us. However, if no one takes the first step that could be a missed opportunity.

 A couple of weeks ago I was pulling into a parking space and there was a woman coming out of a car closer to the driver side. She had the door open for a while and I was getting annoyed because I wanted to park. When she finally came out of the car she was moving very slowly which led me to believe that she was not feeling well. When she had moved far enough away I parked and got my daughter out of the car. By the time we got to the grocery store entrance she stopped me to apologize. She said that her son said I looked upset and she wanted me to know that she had just had surgery. I felt bad that I was not more patient or kind to this woman.

This past year I tried to live life without expectations. I felt that if I was more Zen, and let go of expectations I would be happier. I tried to remind myself that I can’t control people and I can’t put my happiness on other people’s hands. Well, let’s just say I was not successful at living an expectation free life. In my experience, it was truly something that was easier said than done. With a new year upon me I am going to give it a try once again, we will see how it goes in 2016.

Ultimately, I do want to be free of expectation of others, be it strangers and more importantly of the people that I know. I am a Pisces so I overthink everything. I even play out conversations in my head. I imagine what could happen and what I would say. Sometimes it is so intricate that I get myself upset. My overactive imagination can be exhausting. Hence why I want to free myself from expectations. I think I need to read some books about Buddha or Gandhi and see if it can help me, and maybe also do some yoga.

I really want to be happier this year. I think one of the steps is letting people be who they are going to be and not what I want them to be. I want to put myself first and meet my expectations of myself versus hoping that others will make the time to do something for me to makes me happy. As I write this I can’t help but to recall a few times when people have done or said something that I wished was more thoughtful, or had my interest in mind. I remember the feeling of deep disappointment. I also remember feeling like I did not have the right to be disappointed as I had placed my values and how I carry myself on those individuals. I do not want to be in the space of disappointment this year. I am working on happiness and peace in 2016 and I truly believe that letting of expectations is a necessary first step. 

Cracked But Not Broken

I notice cracks on a paved parking lot today. I am in this lot often but had not paid attention to its condition. The cracks made me think about the function of the paved lot in spite of the cracks. I had not notice the cracks because they have not prevented me from being able to park and the ride is not any less smooth. Cracked people on the other hand, may not be as smooth. We go through life experiences that leave their marks on us. However, for some these experiences leave them undrivable.  

I was thinking about the past two years and some of the experiences that were the most difficult and painful for me. I could have let them change me as a person. I could have been jaded or angry but I refused to let what happened change who I am. I vividly remember days where I was sad, where I wanted to use anger to not focus on my sadness. I literally had to tell myself that to stop, I was not going to stop being the loving, caring person that I had always been. My efforts of brining myself back to my true self helped to reduce the bad days as time passed.

I participated in the Portland AIDS Walk a few years back. As I made my way through the crowd a girl caught my eye. She was wearing a red shirt and the back it said “unbroken.” That is me, I may be cracked but I am unbroken. In spite of the difficulties I have experienced, I have not changed my attitude, not my positive nature, and not my spirit. I am certainly not happy go lucky every day, but I keep smiling (al mal tiempo, buena cara).

I have seen people who let life’s tribulations change them, harden their hearts to the point where they do not feel any joy or happiness. I do not want that for my life. I refuse to close myself off. I am not sure what makes the difference? What makes some of us fight in order not to change while others succumb to the pain of the past. I can only speak for myself and I am glad that I have made sure that I do not let life’s curve balls change me and that I have not let my cracks make me feel differently about myself.

I pray for others who feel broken after battling the pain of life. I hope they are able to be functional in spite of their cracks. I hope they make it their mission to get back to their true self. The journey will more than likely not be easy but it sure is worth it. My last couple of years have not been a walk in the park. I did not always feel good about myself but I did not give up on me. It has taken me the better part of two years to choose me but I never gave up. I hope others do not give up on themselves. I pray they find peace, that they get back to self-love, and that they emerge stronger than ever. If a distressed table is more expensive than a plain table, then those of us who are cracked can be as well.