Going in Circles

Friends of Distinction sang a song called, "Going in Circles." It says: “you got me going in circles, oh, oh, oh, oh round and round I go, I'm spun out over you.” Some days that is how I feel. I’m spun out over myself. I have my mind going in circles and a mile a minute all the time. I am not looking to stop the spinning but at least, slow it down. I often think about what people would think if they lived in my head? The stories I spin, construct, and manufacture. I can hardly deal with myself sometimes. My issues is that I can’t just live my life one day at a time. I have to be one step ahead, have to plan, rehearse conversations and possible outcomes. I am sure this must be the sign of a mad person.

I have tried to stop myself but I have not succeeded. My over active imagination continues to take over 98% of the time. Things were not too bad when the plays in my mind were happy and looking forward to great times. Now that the times are not so good I live in a theater of pain. When I say pain I mean real pain, heart hurting, tears, anxiety, and all the comes with these emotions. Why must life be so complicated? I thought once I got to a certain age it would be all downhill, smooth sailing. I thought life would be gravy. Life should not be this hard at 40! Right? I am trying not to look at the Joneses and hope for their lives. I am trying to be realistic with what is happening in my life today. I just know that this is not where I pictured myself in my 40s, far from it.

I try to give advice to other people, especially if they are younger than me. I do not want them to make the same mistakes I have. I wish that I could stop people from going down the wrong road. Sometimes I am anxious when I see people headed down the wrong path. I am overly emotional and I take on other people’s issues. I know we all have to have experiences in order to learn and grow, my mind gets that part. However, my heart wonders why could we just learn from reading a book or Iyanla Vanzant quotes. I guess that is why the self-help industry is a billion dollar industry. We are all looking for the shortest road to get through painful situations and the Cliff Notes to growth. I hate being in this place, this painful place of unknown. I am not sure where my joyful little Darilis has gone, but I miss her.

Knowing where I am at helps, but it does not make it easier. I need to slow down my mind which is the hard part. I need to stop crafting stories and productions and take my life one day at a time. I need to evaluate what is happening and make a decision in facts. I am ready for joyfulness again. I think that decisions based in reality, not in imagining what could happen, is where I need to head towards. I do not have to choreograph my words, just be in the moment and have a genuine reaction to what happens on that given day. No more going in circles, only straight lines (A to B). We will see what tomorrow brings and if I can reduce the spin.