God bless motivational quotes. There is so much talk about being
fearless and it sounds so simple like I could do it. However, as much as I try
to be I am still fearful. I am very afraid of the unknown and I hate not
feeling in control when my future/destiny is in someone else’s hands. You would
think I would have a better approach or coping mechanism by now because life is
a big question mark. Sure you can plan some things. Yes, you achieve some of
what you set out to do but not everything will come to pass. For some of us,
just when you think you are as happy as you can be, life as close to perfect as
possible, the curve ball hits and it hurts.
I do not know the secret to a fearless life. At
this point and time in my life I am just pushing myself past the fear to keep
going. I am no where near fearless but more like do things in spite of it. I try
to catch myself when I tell my daughter to stop doing something and “be careful.”
I feel like I am taking away her fearlessness bit by bit. It is such a tight
rope to walk in between being a parent that does not let their child get hurt
and a parent that lets a child explore. Raising a little human is a lot of
preasure because the stakes are very high.
Fear takes over your heart in a way beyond anything that you have
ever known once you have a child. I live in a constant state of fear. I think
about my daughter’s future all the time. I pray for her now and as an adult. I
want what is best for her and to give her the world. There are so many days
that I doubt myself and I feel like I am failing her. I hate it when she is sad
or upset, especially the times that I am the cause. It breaks my heart to see
her cry or when she is not feeling well. I would take every bit of pain for her
if I could, but I know I can’t.
It may be strange to say but I am afraid to not be fearful. I do
not know what letting go will really feel like. Maybe I am past that age where
I can be fear free. I am not sure what I can do to change or stop myself for
living in fear. Typing this right now my stomach is tight and I want to cry. Sadly,
writing this blog is not making me feel better and it’s not brining me any
peace or clarity. I guess all I can do is try. At church today the pastor said
that every day we wake up we have a new opportunity to be saved again (re-baptized),
a new day to try to be do better and be better. That will be the same for my
effort to be fearless. I failed today but I will try again tomorrow. That is the
best that I can do and hope for at this time.
No comments:
Post a Comment