Cracked But Not Broken

I notice cracks on a paved parking lot today. I am in this lot often but had not paid attention to its condition. The cracks made me think about the function of the paved lot in spite of the cracks. I had not notice the cracks because they have not prevented me from being able to park and the ride is not any less smooth. Cracked people on the other hand, may not be as smooth. We go through life experiences that leave their marks on us. However, for some these experiences leave them undrivable.  

I was thinking about the past two years and some of the experiences that were the most difficult and painful for me. I could have let them change me as a person. I could have been jaded or angry but I refused to let what happened change who I am. I vividly remember days where I was sad, where I wanted to use anger to not focus on my sadness. I literally had to tell myself that to stop, I was not going to stop being the loving, caring person that I had always been. My efforts of brining myself back to my true self helped to reduce the bad days as time passed.

I participated in the Portland AIDS Walk a few years back. As I made my way through the crowd a girl caught my eye. She was wearing a red shirt and the back it said “unbroken.” That is me, I may be cracked but I am unbroken. In spite of the difficulties I have experienced, I have not changed my attitude, not my positive nature, and not my spirit. I am certainly not happy go lucky every day, but I keep smiling (al mal tiempo, buena cara).

I have seen people who let life’s tribulations change them, harden their hearts to the point where they do not feel any joy or happiness. I do not want that for my life. I refuse to close myself off. I am not sure what makes the difference? What makes some of us fight in order not to change while others succumb to the pain of the past. I can only speak for myself and I am glad that I have made sure that I do not let life’s curve balls change me and that I have not let my cracks make me feel differently about myself.

I pray for others who feel broken after battling the pain of life. I hope they are able to be functional in spite of their cracks. I hope they make it their mission to get back to their true self. The journey will more than likely not be easy but it sure is worth it. My last couple of years have not been a walk in the park. I did not always feel good about myself but I did not give up on me. It has taken me the better part of two years to choose me but I never gave up. I hope others do not give up on themselves. I pray they find peace, that they get back to self-love, and that they emerge stronger than ever. If a distressed table is more expensive than a plain table, then those of us who are cracked can be as well.