This Book is Not Going to Write Itself

I have always wanted to write a book. I believe I first thought about it when I was around 24. That was my first time doing a presentation at a conference. This particular conference was geared towards Latinas and my presentation was titled Self-Esteem as a Key to Success. Personally, I had fought a battle with self-esteem and I decided to create this presentation because I wanted to help other women who may find themselves in a similar position. I recall after the presentation was over a young woman, maybe 19 years old, came up to me and said, “I think I have low self-esteem” and she started crying. I spoke to her for a few minutes and tried to give her advice. Throughout the years, I think about that young woman and I hope she finds herself in a better place today. This is one of the experiences that made me want to do more and it made me think about writing a book.

I never wrote the book on self-esteem or any other for that matter. I recall my sorority sister giving me journals and books on writing for my 30^th birthday. She wanted to support me but I was not committed. I did not know where to start in the process of writing, how to organize my book, what did I really want to say, etc. Currently, I have a folder on my computer title writing. I have a few book ideas and a short story I just completed in October that I had been working on for over a year. I have written quite a few opinion pieces mainly for people that I know, but not a wider public. The opinion writing is very short and very targeted so other than the intended audience I have not done much with them.

I struggle between writing something with more substance like a self-help book or writing non-fiction. I like storytelling but I am not as good as I thought. I felt my short story was very simple and it lacked depth and the complexity necessary to be a good short story. There are certainly some high moments in the story but I need to continue to work on it. Ultimately, I want to be seen as a serious academic type but I also love romance novels. I do not see room for doing both so I have to choose a lane and I am not very good at that.  

I have done a few writing challenges, that is what I am doing this month and the reason why I started this blog. It has been a bit of a challenge writing at least 500 words at day. The first few days it felt easy, however, the last couple of days have been harder, and definitely a stretch. To be honest, I am not sure how writing 500 words a day on whatever topic comes to mind is supposed to help me with the overall writing process. I can’t say that I have experienced an aha moment thought these exercise. I have enjoyed writing some of the blogs and I felt that they were well written (for my style of communication at least). But, the opinion pieces are not enough. I need to make time to revisit the notes that I have and book ideas in order to see what I could work on and perhaps focus on short stories for right now before jumping into writing a book.

I Hate Running (Sorry, Not Sorry)

It has to be said, running is the most stupid exercise form ever invented. I hate everything about it, the sweat, the smell, the pain, EVERYTHING. I have mentioned previously that I am a procrastinator and this affects every part of my life, must definitely exercising. I tend to do a little better with a task hence why I decided to train for a 5k over 4 years ago. The run was horrible because the Florida humidity was nothing nice! I walked more than I ran. Once the race was over I was done running and training. Since hindsight is always 20/20, I see not that I should have kept it up.

Three years ago I wanted to get back in the gym and get healthier because I was about to hit the big 4 0. Well, the big 4 0 hit me. I really did not change much, I went to the gym sporadically and did not commit. Now here I am at 41 (42 in February) and I am still trying to get it together. This summer I trained for a 5k. The training went well, I completed it but the day of the race I did not run it all the way. It was a color vibe race and there were a lot of people so I opted to walk more than run. I feel like I did not accomplish my goal after all that training. So… what is my solution to not running the 5k? I have the bright idea to run a 10k. That is how my mind works, ridiculously!

I hated every second of my run today. I felt like I was hardly lifting my legs and my batatas (calfs) were on fiiiyaaa (fire). There were many times that I wanted to stop running and start walking but I did not give up. I was talking to myself most of the time, telling myself not to give, not to stop, to not let myself down. I hung in there and finished. I gave glory to God for the finish but I did not feel as accomplished as other days. The interesting part was that I felt ready to run prior to doing it. am not sure why today was harder than Tuesday and I’m hoping for the best on Saturday. I am up to 28 minutes and Saturday I will do 30. So apparently according to my training app I can run a 5k but I can’t do a 5k in 30 minutes since I am super slow. J Speaking of my app, I love the Zen Labs 10k training app. I also used it for my 5k. I highly recommend it!

What I am recognizing after my two 5k races and now training for a 10k is that the physical training is just one part of it, for which my app is great. However, you also have to train your mind, to keep pushing and not to give up. As far as I know Zen Labs has not created an app for that. J So I guess I have to handle this one. In my previous two races, I gave myself the permission to walk if I felt like it. I really did not push myself as I should have. I am not going to do that this time! I don’t care if I am the last one to cross the line, I will run the entire race. I owe it to myself. If I am training this hard I can’t throw it away the day of the race. Big sigh.. here is to 6 more weeks of training and 7 weeks to race day. 

Dissertation to Article

I successfully defended my dissertation almost two years ago. I knew that I wanted to turn my dissertation into a journal article but, after being done with what took over a year to write (not counting the course work), I did not find the motivation. The longer I take the more work I will have to do because the articles I used will get too old. I told myself that I would convert it at the start of 2015 and I even found articles on how to turn a dissertation into an article. When that did not happen I said that I would do it in December, clearly that also did not happen given the title of this post. J

Certainly the thought of cutting my 107-page dissertation to 10 pages is overwhelming. In part, this is the reason why it has taken me this long. I have read the articles that are supposed to help guide me and I still do not know where to start. However, I do not want to keep putting it off hence I find myself in the proverbial crossroads. The whole journey of a thousand miles bit. I had my dissertation bound however, I had not opened it until today and it felt surreal. After all, that work, all the frustration, the tears, it is a book collecting dust in my room. I literally had to wipe it just now when I opened it. That is a concrete sign that I have let it sit too long.

The title of my dissertation is Latino Student Perceptions of College Experiences at Historically Black Colleges and Universities (HBCUs). There has not been a lot of research on Latinos at HBCUs. I myself did my Ph.D. program at an HBCU hence, the topic was of interest to me. Also, I knew that if I was going to have to do research in order to publish a dissertation I wanted it to be something that made a difference in the academy. I really enjoyed the research process and talking with Latinos at different HBCUs. Ultimately I would like to write a book on Latino student experiences comparing and contrasting among Hispanic-serving institutions (HIS), predominantly White institutions (PWIs), and HBCUs.  However, if I can’t manage to convert my dissertation into an article I am certainly not going to complete a book. I need to change my mindset and start this process.

I am the worst procrastinator. It is a miracle that I completed my program in 3 and a half years (God is good!). In my mind after graduation, I would become this expert on Latinos at HBCUs except for the fact that I have been lazy. Lazy to  start on this journal article in order to get some notoriety in the field. I need someone to shake some sense into me expect this time I have to push myself. No one else has a stake on this except for me. Therefore, I need to invest in myself and do something that matters to me. Completing the dissertation was not easy. There was more than one bump along the way. In spite of the hiccups, I thought when I graduated and walked across the stage it would be the most amazing day in my life but it wasn’t. Regardless of what it was or it wasn’t the deed is done and I want to be sure I do something more with my degree hence publishing is in order. The only thing I am missing in my vita is publishing. The time has come and there is no more time to waste!

Training - Help Me Baby Jesus

My birthday is coming up in February and I decided that I am going to run a 10k. The issue is that I trained for a 5K back in August 2015 and I did not do anything else after that. I started training again at the end of 2015 and it has been a slow go not to mention that I took last week off which did not help. Today was brutal, my body hurts. I am over it all ready. I keep telling myself that I will feel so accomplished at the end of the race on February 27^th. However, that does not stop my body from hating me.

I do not like running on a treadmill which means I have to hit the rainy, cold mean streets of Oregon. J Now that the rain and cold is upon me I had to get used to running outside in these conditions. I had to get new gym shoes because I needed something that was water resistant. Now that is getting darker earlier I had to make sure I had reflective gear so that cars are able to see me. So far it has been pretty good. There was one run where I was getting rained on pretty bad and I ran right into a puddle so my feet got soaking wet. It was a good run in spite of the rain and soggy socks.

The problem that I am facing now is that after taking last week off I am really out of it. I really feel it on my knees today which had not been the case previously. I have to stay motivated. My training will be completed right up the date of the race so I do not have time to get sick or be off anymore. I am praying it will all work out. At the end of the day the run does not have to be pretty it just has to be done. Right now I am running for 28 minutes and I can’t even imagine what it will be like to run for an hour and a half. I hate running! But, it is good for me. I do like the feeling of being done. I hope my inner runner takes over and fills my heart with love for running. She has not kicked in yet!

Because I am a gluten for punishment I also signed up for a 2016 challenge to walk/run 1,000 miles this year. I did the math and I have to do at least 3 miles a day. However, because I was being lazy this past week there were a couple of days that I did not make it to 2 miles. I have got to step my run/walk game up. The good thing is that I ran today I have over six miles between my running and walking.

I have been searching for things to do that are just for me. Why did I pick running I do not know? I think I should have taken a ceramic class instead. J I do need to improve my health so I hope that as I get more comfortable and used to running it can be something that I can do long term. My next step is to address my eating habits. I think that exercising regularly and eating right is the perfect combination, I just need to get there. Here is to a healthy 2016!

Gratitude

I defended my dissertation on March 24, 2014 at Hampton University. When I got to Virginia I needed something that I could touch and feel to help me relax. I went to Target and found a bracelet with a cross. I felt I needed Jesus on my side. I had worked hard for three and half years taking classes and writing my dissertation and I needed to pass my defense. I wore my bracelet as I began my defense at 9am on that quiet Friday morning. My nerves were on overdrive when I started but once I settled into my presentation it was smooth sailing. About an hour later I was Dr. Garcia-McMillian (well, sort of since my degree would not be conferred until May). I felt deep gratitude at that moment to God and to everyone who helped make my dream come true. In the dedication and acknowledgement sections of my dissertation I gave thanks to those who help me throughout the process and some of them I said thank you in person, via phone, or social media. I have tried to be grateful and express my gratitude throughout my life. However, I have certainly have been better at certain times than others.

Today I read an article in The New York Times by Barbara Ehrenreich titled The Selfish Side of Gratitude. The title was intriguing so I dove right into it. The opinion piece highlighted the transition of self-help from “making your visions into reality” to “how gratitude can improve your life, even your health.” The piece points out that this gratitude that is being panhandled is a conversation about yourself with yourself. You can experience gratefulness without having to talk to anyone. Barbara urges that we should do more than say grace for a wonderful meal and rather demonstrate our gratitude by tipping the server and/or supporting the people who picked the food and delivered it to the restaurant by demanding higher wages for them.

I have to admit that I have not thought about my gratitude beyond how I feel, certainly I have not thought about what else I could do. This piece has me thinking about what gratitude will look like for me moving forward. I am still going to pray and give thanks, that is not changing. However, I need to think about what else I can do. How can I be more aware about others, their needs, as well as my power and ability to demonstrate my thanks to them.

One thing I know I would do is to help others financially if I am ever in a place to have enough money. I have been praying that I win the lottery for a longtime. I have my list of people and organizations, as well as my church who I will help financially. However, even though I have been playing and praying I still have not hit it big. That tells me that I definitely need to have a backup plan for expressing my gratitude as often and to as many people as possible. I am still going to play the lotto because I believe in God’s favor and that he knows what is in my heart for the money I will win and how I will help others. But in the meantime, I need to spend time with my gratitude practice and take it to the next level. 

Expectation Free in 2016

Baby it is cold outside! J We don’t get a lot of snow in the Portland metro area but when it comes it makes its presence felt. I saw a frozen fountain and as frigid as it was to me it also looked beautiful. However, as much as I found it beautiful I am sure that others did not. It reminds me of a quote that I saw recently. 

We all interprets things and people differently.However, we do not always know the full story. We can label some as frigid, standoffish, angry, or rude but not truly know where that persona stems from. We are all human and it can be hard to open one’s self if we perceive that someone is not going to be open towards us. However, if no one takes the first step that could be a missed opportunity.

 A couple of weeks ago I was pulling into a parking space and there was a woman coming out of a car closer to the driver side. She had the door open for a while and I was getting annoyed because I wanted to park. When she finally came out of the car she was moving very slowly which led me to believe that she was not feeling well. When she had moved far enough away I parked and got my daughter out of the car. By the time we got to the grocery store entrance she stopped me to apologize. She said that her son said I looked upset and she wanted me to know that she had just had surgery. I felt bad that I was not more patient or kind to this woman.

This past year I tried to live life without expectations. I felt that if I was more Zen, and let go of expectations I would be happier. I tried to remind myself that I can’t control people and I can’t put my happiness on other people’s hands. Well, let’s just say I was not successful at living an expectation free life. In my experience, it was truly something that was easier said than done. With a new year upon me I am going to give it a try once again, we will see how it goes in 2016.

Ultimately, I do want to be free of expectation of others, be it strangers and more importantly of the people that I know. I am a Pisces so I overthink everything. I even play out conversations in my head. I imagine what could happen and what I would say. Sometimes it is so intricate that I get myself upset. My overactive imagination can be exhausting. Hence why I want to free myself from expectations. I think I need to read some books about Buddha or Gandhi and see if it can help me, and maybe also do some yoga.

I really want to be happier this year. I think one of the steps is letting people be who they are going to be and not what I want them to be. I want to put myself first and meet my expectations of myself versus hoping that others will make the time to do something for me to makes me happy. As I write this I can’t help but to recall a few times when people have done or said something that I wished was more thoughtful, or had my interest in mind. I remember the feeling of deep disappointment. I also remember feeling like I did not have the right to be disappointed as I had placed my values and how I carry myself on those individuals. I do not want to be in the space of disappointment this year. I am working on happiness and peace in 2016 and I truly believe that letting of expectations is a necessary first step. 

Cracked But Not Broken

I notice cracks on a paved parking lot today. I am in this lot often but had not paid attention to its condition. The cracks made me think about the function of the paved lot in spite of the cracks. I had not notice the cracks because they have not prevented me from being able to park and the ride is not any less smooth. Cracked people on the other hand, may not be as smooth. We go through life experiences that leave their marks on us. However, for some these experiences leave them undrivable.  

I was thinking about the past two years and some of the experiences that were the most difficult and painful for me. I could have let them change me as a person. I could have been jaded or angry but I refused to let what happened change who I am. I vividly remember days where I was sad, where I wanted to use anger to not focus on my sadness. I literally had to tell myself that to stop, I was not going to stop being the loving, caring person that I had always been. My efforts of brining myself back to my true self helped to reduce the bad days as time passed.

I participated in the Portland AIDS Walk a few years back. As I made my way through the crowd a girl caught my eye. She was wearing a red shirt and the back it said “unbroken.” That is me, I may be cracked but I am unbroken. In spite of the difficulties I have experienced, I have not changed my attitude, not my positive nature, and not my spirit. I am certainly not happy go lucky every day, but I keep smiling (al mal tiempo, buena cara).

I have seen people who let life’s tribulations change them, harden their hearts to the point where they do not feel any joy or happiness. I do not want that for my life. I refuse to close myself off. I am not sure what makes the difference? What makes some of us fight in order not to change while others succumb to the pain of the past. I can only speak for myself and I am glad that I have made sure that I do not let life’s curve balls change me and that I have not let my cracks make me feel differently about myself.

I pray for others who feel broken after battling the pain of life. I hope they are able to be functional in spite of their cracks. I hope they make it their mission to get back to their true self. The journey will more than likely not be easy but it sure is worth it. My last couple of years have not been a walk in the park. I did not always feel good about myself but I did not give up on me. It has taken me the better part of two years to choose me but I never gave up. I hope others do not give up on themselves. I pray they find peace, that they get back to self-love, and that they emerge stronger than ever. If a distressed table is more expensive than a plain table, then those of us who are cracked can be as well.